Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Vodka?
Forever.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
