If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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