When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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