Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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