how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
