Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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