Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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