youre lurking in front of me
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
