The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
