Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
