im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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