a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
It's shark week go big or go home
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize