census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
