I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
