just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize