i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Never joke about your clitoris.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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