Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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