Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
