well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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