"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I stole a fireplace last night.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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