that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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