Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
