There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
