those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
