He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
