I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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