Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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