I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
