Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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