dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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