the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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