did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize