I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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