The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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