Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
