I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
