Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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