party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize