Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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