he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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