P.S. I can't hear my feet
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
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