Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
