apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
