Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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