Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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