i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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