dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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