we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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