5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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