i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
