hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize