So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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