Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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