well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
